Idiot or Sucker? You don’t have to answer that question..

Hope springs eternal. I am forever reaching out from my depression, from the loneliness of my isolation, reaching a hand up for a gentle pull back into the world of the living, smiling happy everyday people. I am never jaded, I never stop trying, in spite of the same thing happening over… and over….and over….all my life.

My earliest memory of it was when I was probably 6 years old. I remember asking all the little neighborhood kids to come play in our back yard. With a swing set and grass, it was as good as any other back yard in suburban Campbell, outside of San Jose, CA. At first they all came. For some reason I went into the house to get something to share with all of the kids. When I got back outside, everyone was gone. I went out front and they were nowhere to be seen. I spent the rest of that summer afternoon alone. Prelude to the way things just are.

I suppose that spending my formative years in resort areas has taught me certain things. People are transient. No one stays. Everyone will be gone sooner or later. Make friends quickly. Don’t get too busted up when they go.

In spite of whatever spiritual growth, intellectual maturity, acquired tenacity or sense of entitlement by virtue of my ever advancing age, I never, repeat NEVER learn that no one will be there when I think they will or when I need or want them.

I am going to go out on a short limb here and say that my particular brand of crazy is distasteful at best, and just plain frightening at worst. It may be more than that, though. I am needy. I have the needs of years built up inside of me. Any little taste of friendship, love, sister or brotherhood, and I am off to the races, where’s more, where’s MINE. On deeper introspection, I am certain that I have developed psychic vampire tendencies. Many well balanced people are sensitive to this and are truly repulsed, rejecting me immediately. Consequently, I look for the uninitiated, or those that are vulnerable, that are seeking that emotional fulfillment themselves. I can usually initially suck them in. But sooner or later they realize that I am an empty and bottomless pit of lonesome,  that needs their attention and love….a LOT. Nobody got time for that mess, everybody has problems, and who the fuck am I to think that someone who isn’t much more than a stranger would give a good flying fuck about what’s troubling me. I am quite sincere in my offer of friendship. I want someone to be close to, who knows me and doesn’t care about what I’ve done in the past that might be considered horrible. But it never blossoms. I can be counted on to show my ass, for my needs to come oozing out and run anyone off who was even remotely interested in being even just a casual acquaintance.

My conundrum: Understanding that being alone is the natural state for me and that my dependence on others is a dangerous weakness. The sooner I learn how to overcome this weakness, the better I will be for myself.

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