Lament

I do not seek out the emotion of abandonment, it pursues me. Whether it’s in the long parade of those who just can’t seem to manage maintaining their love for any length of time, or those than just eventually turn and run screaming having discovered the deformities of my personality, they all eventually disappear. The resulting loss in my heart creates a vacuum, and in it a pain so intense it fills the essence of my being, demanding my constant attention.

Having realized this, I refuse to follow the obvious path. I can’t force myself to only pursue the most shallow or superfluous of relationships. I can’t teach myself not to love or fall in love for the sake of not being hurt. The essence of my being is to love the souls that call to me, regardless of the ultimate outcome or response. I can’t righteously say at this point that there are wrong people to give my heart to. When their love beckons, my love for them flows and abounds, regardless of what my rational mind warns me of.

As you may tell, now is one of those times. I was given a small, precious gift of love, and now, I can not find it. Hope springs eternal. I shall not tire or quit. There is someone somewhere who will love me for eternity. Until then, I feel, I breathe, I hurt.

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